


Falling Apart (And Coming Back Together)

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Temporary Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s06e18 Lauren, Episode: s07e02 Proof, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25123501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: It’s been a week. A week since she helped Emily disappear, a week since she watched the team bury what they thought was one of their own, her own shame at her deception burning through her as she watched their tears. A week since she held Spencer’s hand at the funeral, watching him cry silently and wishing things could be different.---Emily dies, and Spencer turns to JJ to help him cope.Then, Emily comes back, and JJ begs Spencer to forgive her.
Relationships: Emily Prentiss & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	Falling Apart (And Coming Back Together)

**Author's Note:**

> I heard this line in 7x02: "For 10 weeks in a row i came to your house crying over losing a friend," so naturally, I had to write the fic. 
> 
> Spencer Reid deserves all the hugs, damn it.

JJ feels hollow.

It’s been a week. A week since she helped Emily disappear, a week since she watched the team bury what they thought was one of their own, her own shame at her deception burning through her as she watched their tears. A week since she held Spencer’s hand at the funeral, watching him cry silently and wishing things could be different. 

She sits on her couch with a glass of wine - her third of the evening. Will and Henry went to visit his sister, leaving JJ with the house to herself. He thought letting her have some space would be good for her, would let her clear her head, but instead she’s alone with her thoughts and her heart hurts even more than before. 

She hasn’t talked to Spence since the funeral. She’s been calling him, almost constantly, and she’s left him so many messages that his voicemail is full. She wasn’t worried, not until she called the others and realized that no one  _ else _ can get ahold of him either. He’s been alone for a week, and she  _ knows _ how bad his thoughts get when he’s alone, how he tends to shut everyone out when he’s in pain. He did it when he was struggling with Dilaudid, and he’s doing it now, and she’s so worried about him that it makes her ache. 

Her doorbell rings, the sound piercing through the quiet. She groans loudly, standing up on slightly shaky legs and walking to the entryway.  _ Who the fuck is out there  _ now _ , of all times. Can’t they leave me alone for one night, can’t a girl get some peace to  _ mourn,  _ can’t- _

Spencer Reid is at her door. He’s standing there in a t-shirt and sweats, looking more disheveled than she’s seen him in a long time. His hair is messy, and there are dark circles under his eyes like he hasn’t slept all week- which, she realizes, he probably hasn’t. He hasn’t shaved in a few days, and the stubble is dark across the bottom half of his face.

There’s so much pain written in his expression, and he’s glancing around like he isn’t quite sure how he got here. He looks like someone ripped the world out from under his feet, like he’s drowning in the middle of the ocean without a speck of dry land in sight. His eyes are red and puffy, like he’s been crying for hours, but there are still tears in his eyes. She can see him trembling.

JJ’s breath catches in her throat, and it feels like someone has her heart in a vice-like grip as they stand in the doorway. She should invite him inside, make him tea and do  _ something _ to take away that haunted look on his face, but she’s frozen to the spot. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Instead, she’s remembering the last time she saw him like this, when he was trying to quit the drugs and watching him go through withdrawal was almost too much for her to bear. 

Her eyes are shining as she swallows the lump that has lodged itself in her throat and tries again. “Spence?” Her voice is shaking. 

He doesn’t speak for a moment, just stares at her in silence. She doesn’t know what he sees written in her expression, but he eventually whispers, “JJ…?”

Then his knees give out, his body pitching forward as he whimpers, the tears in his eyes finally spilling over like a flood. She manages to catch him before he crumples to the floor, dragging him onto her couch as his sobs get louder and louder until he’s practically  _ howling.  _ He’s clinging to her like she’s the only thing tethering him to the earth, shaking like a leaf and gripping her with a strength she didn’t know he had. She’s watching her best friend in the world practically  _ disintegrate _ before her eyes, seeing him unravel like a spool of thread. And it  _ destroys  _ her, it rips her to shreds to see him hurting like this, to know that she’s putting him through hell and she’s powerless to stop it. 

She’s crying too now, the tears spilling over as she runs her fingers through his hair, because  _ it isn’t fair, none of it is. _ Spencer Reid is bawling in her arms, wailing over and over that  _ I didn’t get to say goodbye _ and  _ it’s not fair _ and  _ I should’ve done something _ . It’s like he’s been split open, everything he’d been trying to lock away for the last week pouring out in one giant tidal wave of emotion. And she feels like the worst monster in the universe, watching him dissolve into a puddle of suffering and pain while she holds his salvation just out of reach inside a classified file. 

She strokes his hair, rubbing his back as she struggles to murmur whatever assurances she can offer into his ear. They taste bitter in her mouth as he burrows even further into the crook of her neck, but no amount of  _ it’s okay, you’re okay, Spence, it wasn’t your fault, just let it out _ will ever make up for what she’s doing to him, what she isn’t telling him.

They sit there for what feels like hours, sobbing together in the dim light of her living room. He’s still got his head buried in the crook of her neck, but he tightens his grip on her when he hears her crying too. At one point he’s even trying to comfort  _ her _ , telling her that it’s okay even as he’s struggling to catch his breath. And  _ that’s  _ the worst thing, the one that breaks the dam and makes her cry harder. She’s breaking his heart on the State Department’s orders, and he’s telling  _ her _ that everything’s okay after not sleeping for a week, and nothing about this will ever be okay again. Spencer Reid has such an overwhelmingly big heart, and he cares about everyone else so much more than himself, and the guilt of what she’s putting him through is eating JJ alive. 

Eventually, they both calm down enough to disentangle slightly. Their tears are still falling, forming tiny waterfalls down both of their cheeks, but she’s at least lucid enough to study him thoroughly. He’s still shaking as they stare at each other, both struggling to catch their breath. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days, like he’s been awake and alone with his thoughts since the funeral, and another pang of guilt rushes through her. He’s staring at her too though, that genius brain of his studying every inch of her face with a sad, somber expression. 

After a moment more, JJ swallows thickly, letting go of him and rising up off the couch. The small sound he makes hits her like a punch in the gut, because he  _ still  _ thinks he’s alone, even now, and she mumbles that she’s just going to get him some water. He nods, and she tries to ignore the pressure gripping her heart to the point where her chest aches. 

She gets a glass for herself, while she’s up, and in a heartbeat she’s back in the living room, pressing the water into Spence’s hands and sitting back down next to him. His head finds its way to her shoulder as he sips it slowly, trying to take deep breaths. 

It still surprises her after all these years, how tactile he is when he lets his guard down. Reid famously keeps his emotions under lock and key, and it’s only rarely that he truly trusts someone enough to let them in. Once he does though, he’s always ready with a hug or a steady hand, or a shoulder to cry on for whoever needs it. It's taken a long time, but the team has finally started to convince him that he’s allowed to receive the same level of affection that he shows everyone else.

For a long time they sit in the dim light of JJ’s house, not saying anything and basking in the quiet. She almost thinks he’s asleep, but one glance down at him shows her that his eyes are wide open, staring in front of him. She wonders what he’s seeing, in his mind’s eye.

Spencer still doesn’t speak after another five minutes. His breathing has evened out though, and his tears seem to have dried completely. She still feels like someone scrambled her insides with a drill bit as she thinks about Emily in Paris, but she knows she has to say something. 

“It’s going to take time.” Her voice is hoarse, coming out barely above a whisper. Spence raises his head off her shoulder to look her in the eye. “It’s gonna take time, but it  _ will _ be okay.” Because it will, someday soon. Emily will come back, and Spence and the others will be hurt in a different way when she does, but at least he’ll smile again. She needs to believe that Spencer Reid will smile again, because the alternative is unbearable to think about. 

His lip is trembling again, but eventually he nods slightly as she squeezes his hand. “I miss her, JJ.” His voice is impossibly soft, and it tears her to shreds. 

“I miss her too.” Because even though she knows Emily is alive and well, she’s still  _ gone,  _ at least for a while. And they can help each other until she returns. 

That’s when JJ glances at the clock, noticing that it’s almost 11pm. She can see Spencer’s eyelids starting to droop, and she frowns at him. “When’s the last time you slept?” Because she knows him so well, she knows it’s probably been at least 3 days, if not longer. 

He has the decency to look sheepish. “...5 days ago.” If he weren’t so fragile right now, she would yell at him, because  _ how many times, Spence, how many times have we been through this?  _ He has a nasty habit of staying awake until he literally collapses from the exhaustion, sometimes, and she’s tried so hard to make him break it. 

She doesn’t yell at him though. She doesn’t even let her frustration show on her face, because she knows he’ll start apologizing again. He’s always,  _ always _ thinking about others first, and its simultaneously his most endearing and most frustrating quality. 

She  _ does _ grab a blanket from where it’s resting on the other side of the couch, throwing it over him and guiding his head into her lap. “Okay. You’re going to sleep here, and we’ll talk more in the morning, alright?” She can see the exhaustion finally starting to set in, and he confirms it when he doesn’t argue. She expects him to grumble about how he’s not a baby, but instead he only manages to raise an eyebrow at her before pulling the blanket tighter around him. He mumbles something that might be  _ you can sleep in your bed _ , but the words are slurred and garbled as he curls his legs further into his chest. 

JJ can’t help but chuckle softly. That’s another thing about Spencer Reid－when he’s exhausted enough, he has  _ zero _ filter, and his inner child comes out in full force. “I’m not going anywhere, Spence. Just go to sleep.” 

His eyes are already closed, and she suspects that he’s already asleep. It isn’t the first time they’ve spent the night like this; they’ve fallen asleep in the same position a few times over the years after too much to drink or late-night movie viewings. He admitted to her once that he finds it comforting; his mom used to let him sleep like this in the months after his dad left. 

For a few minutes she just watches him as he drifts off, his face gradually relaxing until he looks mostly peaceful. There’s still tension in his brow, but she tries to smooth it away with her thumb before leaning back against the couch. She knows Spence will be embarrassed in the morning, his cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink as he stammers out an apology for breaking down like this. And she’ll grab his hand, giving him her  _ stop being stupid _ look, and tell him that he  _ never _ has to apologize for needing a friend. For now, though, JJ closes her eyes and tries to get some sleep herself, even as the guilt and sadness is still churning deep in her gut.

They’ll be okay, eventually. They  _ have  _ to be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comments are very much appreciated. You can also find me on


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